unforgettable thoughts

It's been a while since I've seen the world this early. Moonrise over palms is really just as pretty as it is in the movies.

Will I ever be involved in a relationship with a guy who lives in close proximity to me? Will I ever feel adequate at any job, ever? Will I, in this lifetime, be able to afford to live alone in the NYC area?

***

Monday is not working out so well. I just want to go home and read and remind myself to not drink orange juice because even though I like it a lot, it hurts my tummy and now I feel sick with at least 7 more hours of work to go.

it's what i've been doing.

help me pick out things i'll never buy from target!

so far i've looked at new ( bedroom stuff: )

and new ( kitchen stuff: )

I'm up to dresses and jackets now. Oh, online wishlist shopping. How I love thee.

Friday was great. Half-day at work, constructive downtime, and shopping with Stephanie. I didn't get much while shopping, but Water Taxi Beach was superfun and the view was just amazing. I got home at a reasonable hour, and got enough sleep to function Saturday. Woke up early, took a crowded train out to LI, packed a picnic lunch, spent all day on the sand. The water was way too cold to swim, but a lot of people were out in the surf. The beach wasn't too crowded, and I walked away with only a minor sunburn on the back of my knees. Success! With the rest of Saturday and Sunday came mini golf and record shopping, softball playing and bad-movie-watching, plus a barbecue and parish picnic (carnival, whatever). I had zeppole for the first time, and went on some rides; it was pretty awesome. Today, I'm all sinusy and miserable and sore, but it was totally worth it. Back to watching the Law and Order marathon!

I thought I was getting better, being able to somewhat breathe at night and getting all the crap out of my head and all. Apparently, not so much. I woke up at 6:30am with a sore throat and the most blocked-up sinuses I've ever had. I HATE this. I am supposed to go to the beach in like an hour and I cannot fucking breathe. Seriously, sinuses, way to fucking be.

there was a girl who had to work for the rest of her life.

not only did she work 12 hour days (counting the 1-hour-each-way commute), but after a long and weary day in corporate-land, had to come home and empty the dishwasher, take out the trash, sweep the stairs, and scrub the bathroom because her roommates were nowhere to be found (despite their laundry conveniently running in the washer).

the girl had exactly 2.5 hours to herself between the time she got home and the time she had to go to bed, and all she wanted to do was lie down. she didn't even want to listen to records, and this girl really liked her records a lot.

something was wrong in the magical land of jersey, something that the girl prayed could be remedied by a weekend by the shore and hopefully some blender drinks. she wouldn't know for another day or two, though, because the girl's work week was not yet over, and it seemed that the weekend would never come.

Leggings are not pants.

They are also ugly as sin.

Stop it,
Kelly

(Like I have room to talk, though. I show up for work in ill-fitting, faded, outdated hand-me-downs and the same sneakers every day.)

I need to wash my chucks.

Instead of wearing my old dirty brown ones, I wore my nice white ones today, and it started to rain while I was running errands so now they're all grimy and blue-stained from my denim.

Now for the "give me advice" part of the post: I looked up a bunch of Chuck Taylor-specific cleaning instructions, but do any of you have a method that works well and doesn't kill the canvas?

Her name's Nicole. She seems pretty nice - from Massachusetts, pretty new to the area, works in fashion sales or something. She's the only one we've seen so far, but I think Sena has a few more lined up to visit soon.

I really hope we get the whole roommate situation taken care of this week. Sena told Nicole, "yeah, we'll let you know by the end of next week" and i was like, uh, that's cutting it really close. I mean, come on. She'd have a week to get packed and moved, and her current roommate would only have like five days to find someone else, and that's insane.

I dunno. As long as my rent stays the same and I don't have to be responsible for the expenses of the unforseen, I don't really care.

This stuff is so stressful. I wish the weekend had been longer. Sun and sand and surf and hanging out under fake stars in a planetarium? WAY better than struggling to adapt under these fluorescents.

but my hips have been sticking out a lot more when i lie down flat on my back...and i kind of like it.

i have never been emaciated, so i think i am just flirting with wanting to be. not that i'll ever get there. it's not in my genes. plus, i just ate half a tube of pringles. but still.

i am horrible, i watch too much tv, and am alone on a friday night.

really, bad everything day. and it's only 9:15.

i am starting (continuing?) to regret buying these "skinny" black jeans, because i'm pretty sure i look awful in them and they don't go with anything i own.

it's humid outside, which i appreciate, except i didn't have a ponytail holder and my hair clip is broken so i commuted for an hour and walked into work with my hair looking like a freakin' mess.

every time i try to wear something "trendy", it always backfires. i need to remember that i look hideous in anything that's "in", and until jeans, t-shirts, and sneakers are "in" i should just stop buying clothes.

what's worse: i'm going out after work, so instead of getting to go home looking like ten hours of sweaty/gross/frazzled KL, i get to eat in a restaraunt with a bunch of people. maybe i can take a break sometime today and go shopping.

i'd also feel better had i remembered to put my contacts in my bag so i wouldn't have to wear glasses all day. i'm trying to ready myself for 12 hours of insecurity, but it's just making me want to go home.

It's not easy to deal with socially, and, as it turns out, it's not easy to deal with career-wise, either. I'm apparently doing a bang-up job at sucking, so they're currently (as in, this very minute) interviewing new girls who will presumably be better at most of this than me. Probably more pleasant, too. Yayyy.

It's a strange looking word for sure, but a concept with which I am all too familiar.

Why am I always late in the morning? I get up 35 minutes before I have to leave the house, and the only tasks I really need to accomplish are getting dressed and making lunch. Seriously. I even straightened my hair last night so I wouldn't have to do that this morning and I was STILL 7 minutes behind. I refuse to get up more than an hour and a half before I have to be at work, just on principle. I will just have to learn to stop dawdling.

In other news, I'm pretty sure my right iPod earbud is starting to die. Joy.

I saw a dude on the subway platform this morning wearing a Riff Randells tee shirt (the red one Grath presumably got at Radio Heartbeat). I really wanted to say something but everybody moves pretty quickly, so I sort of pointed in semi-amazement but he didn't see me, and anyway, what would I have said?

I just keep thinking about how he'd probably really like the Unlovables or some other bands we know, but if he doesn't already know about them, how will he find out? How will anyone?

I'm still temping. Nobody wants to hire me full-time, nobody wants to pay me a regular wage. When (not if) I get relieved of my duties, I'll be unemployed again, only to be in a temporary, $10/hr reception position somewhere else a few days later.

This is the most tiring 'desk' job I've ever had. I ran 32 blocks to get my boss lunch, in Chucks without insoles. I worked nonstop on not only work-related tasks, but personal tasks (making files for her home, scheduling car maintenace, calling around the world [Italy and the UK - my first international calls] to get her clothes she found in Vogue, etc). The kicker: I worked overtime even though I'm sure they won't approve the extra pay. There is something wrong with me.

Second day in the exec office. I'm just making do, hoping that by the end of the week I'll be amazing at this or they'll want me back in a reception capacity or something. I would just like a hug, and maybe some decent chocolate, because the solid easter bunny in my room is not cutting it. As soon as the other woman in here gets back from her lunch, I'm taking mine even though I already ate most of my food at my desk. I need to get outta here.

New worry: I want to go to the real grocery store and Target tonight, but no car = no dice. I could get a cab to take me there from the PATH, but how would I get home? Any insight would be of much help.

:shrug:

So Friday evening, Polo told me that my reception duties were over. An hour later, I got a call saying that an admin assistant position had opened up a few floors down, and I accepted.

What they didn't tell me was that it was executive admin assisting, and that I am wholly unqualified for this position. One look at my resume and the director and SVP just went, "...oh."

Yeah. So I'm feeling like a stranger in a familiar land, which sucks, because I just want to go back upstairs and transfer calls even though I hated it or go home and bury my head in a pillow. I don't know how to use Outlook that well, I'm kind of just winging this whole thing and eating rice cakes seeing as how nobody told me if or when I can leave for lunch. A lot of this job is expense accounting and reporting and ordering and all this heavy heavy "admin" work that I'm just not really 'getting' and apparently the last girl was really great at this job and left unexpectedly so I'm getting tons of emails and I don't know protocol, and again with the inside crying and wanting to bury my head in a pillow type scenarios.

I'm even wearing this cute new shirt and it's not making me feel any more confident.

It's funny how all jobs would just be easier if you already knew how to do everything. I'd be great! I am pretty organized and can handle simple instructions but without training and barely knowing anything about what I'm expected to do makes me look incompetent, small, and amateur. Yuck.

You know how, if you're retarded, you can text something like "Jam4" to some cell phone company and get a "slammin'" ringtone for like 2 bucks? Well, whatever sloppy receptionist was working in the switchboard room today (name withheld, i know who it was) left her phone in there and she totally has one. How do I know? Because she got like five phone calls in the hour I was in there for lunch. SO loud, SO annoying. I should have already known - the radio was on when I walked in, tuned to Z100 or whatever the top 40 station here is.

In the same vein, this just happened:

A dude just called, rambling on about visiting a location and wanting to work there. I said what I always say, that all our employment opportunities are listed online at our website, or if he's looking for a store, he can call that store to see if they're hiring. This guy kept me on the phone for TEN MINUTES rambling about nonsense and maybe he walked into a warehouse, he doesn't know, but he'd like to work there, and couldn't I just hire him over the phone? and all this crap. Seriously, I thought MTV was punking me or maybe if I didn't fly off the handle, I'd win a thousand dollars or something. He ended up talking about wanting to work for GQ but they wanted him to write a cover letter and they had some blue shorts at the location he visited but maybe he'll go back and try and work there, too.

Yeah. Oh man, I cannot wait to go home and sleep.

Last night, I dreamed that Joe Evans, Jonnie Whoa Oh and I joined Full of Fancy to replace Miranda. We played at this house on the beach, and I had a super short dress on, but nobody would lend me leggings to go underneath so we all went on stage and I was wearing this nightshirt and got all stressed out. I was supposed to be the "lead" singer but my friend Stephanie Hussman from college had to basically take over and sing to lead me through all the songs because I couldn't remember any of the words or harmonies at all. Erin was really frustrated, and she started to sing "30 Days" and I got upset because i DID remember the words to that song, but it was hers to sing.

I have dreams like this a lot. Once I dreamed that I was supposed to go out on the field at Busch Stadium and play guitar with the Ramones, but I (duh) didn't know how to play guitar so I just played random shit and prayed nobody could hear me.

Semi-related: I'm really tired today.